Hurt
by amberescence
Summary: InuKag.One hundred years after the end of the quest someone still feels the need to reminisce about lost time.


AN: I need a BETA READER!!! I can't seem to find all my mistakes when I make them so if anyone is interested PLEASE e-mail me!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I shouldn't be forced to say this....I don't own Inuyasha or the song 'Hurt.' There are you happy?

Hurt

It's been so many years since I last saw any of our friends. I'm old now and alone. Even Shippo left me in the end.  
  
_ I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real_  
  
I've been wandering the country side for a hundred years, at the very least, and not once have I come across the little brat. I sometimes imagine that he's happy, and in my mind, I can see him gleefully running about with little kits of his own, but those are just hopeful musings. He never totally recovered from the loss.  
  
I'm too tired to move from this place of quiet refuge anymore. I've been worn down over these long years of constant searching. Searching for what? I have yet to figure out.  
  
_ The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everthing  
_  
Sango and Miroku died a good fifty years ago. They were married and as happy as one could expect them to be after enduring so much pain in their lives. They had many children, I've forgotten how many exactly, and their children grew up and had children of their own. That made Sango a very happy grandmother and Miroku an even happier grandfather. I still visit their graves every now and then.  
  
I've grown so weary of it all. Life in general tires my already vulnerable soul more than any extravagant quest could accomplish. I'll just rest, here, where I'm nearest to heaven.  
  
_ What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end_  
  
I haven't seen Koga in a long while. I do occasionally spot him when my feet bring me closer to his den. Last I knew of him he was the happiest man alive. With a pup cradled in each arm and a very lively mate at his side, he couldn't have been prouder.  
  
But me, I still grieve. Everyone learned to cope in some way, they all learned to move on; everyone but me. I suppose I still blame myself for what happened all those decades ago. I know you wouldn't want that, but it can't be helped.  
  
_ And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_  
  
Kaede, it's been too long, I don't even remember the last time I spoke to her. It was right before I started my lonely trek, and she was sick, even then. I heard word of her death two months after I left her at the village. The news sunk my spirits to a new low, but I couldn't bring myself to visit her grave. Too many memories resided there; memories I hadn't the strength to revisit.  
  
No matter where I travel to I always end up at this same spot. I come here often, usually just to sit and imagine that you're still here. I know you're not, but the thought still offers me some comfort I can't refuse.  
  
_ I wear this crown of thorns  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair_  
  
I wish only to hear your voice again. I need to know you forgive me for letting you down the way I always did. I need you, now more than ever, to bring me back home.  
  
Sesshomaru is well enough, I suppose. He looks the same as he always has, if not a bit softer. Rin and he eventually mated, when she came of age. Imagine, all that talk about my tainted blood and he, himself, played a part in tainting Father's blood all the more. Keh, hypocritical bastard.  
  
Rin died, but her and Sesshomaru lived a happy life up until her dying day, and I believe neither of them have any regrets.  
  
It's getting harder to breathe. I won't even live half as long as my brother; I doubt I live through another night. I'm too old and beaten to move on for much longer anyway.  
  
I still refuse to let it go. I broke my promise to you in the end. I let you get hurt...I let you die....  
  
_ Beneath the stains of time  
The feeling disappears  
You are someone else  
I am still right here_  
  
I saw my reflection today. It was the first look I've had at myself in quite some time and my age has finally began to show on the outside. I don't have wrinkles or anything, but I have lost some of my luster.  
  
You always used to say how much you loved and admired my hair. Well, you wouldn't love it so much if you could see it now. Instead of the silver color it had in my youth, it is now a drab grey and a mess of hard earned tangles.  
  
My eyes are no longer my own. They are a reflection of my pain. Never before have they been so empty. These hollow circles that have engraved themselves into my face were never there before. I hate them.  
  
_ What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end_  
  
I'm not the same immature, oblivious little boy you left behind. I have learned control of my emotions on the outside even while they rip me to pieces on the inside. I don't lash out at the closest person to me anymore. I hardly even speak. I'm certain that if I tried to talk aloud my voice would fail me.  
  
I can only sit here, for now, next to where we laid your ashes after your death, and pray for comfort when my own life ends.  
  
How long have I sat here telling you all I know of all that you cared about? Hours, I'm sure. Things around me are starting to blur together into blobs of indecipherable shapes and colors. I know it won't be long now.  
  
_ And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_  
  
I know now how much I managed to hurt you in life, even if it took this long to realize it, and in death I hope to make ammends. I'll die here and search for you in the otherworld.  
  
I'll always search for you...  
  
Maybe I always was searching for you...  
  
My companion...  
  
My home...  
  
My very best friend...  
  
My Kagome...  
  
_If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way_ __

What do you think? Good? Bad? Never try writing again? Let me know!  
  
REMEMBER if you are interested in being my beta reader e-mail me! 


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